I am at a loss for words as I try to write something to help others understand the burden on my heart. Pregnancy and infant loss is life changing. You are torn down and ripped apart. Over. and Over. again. The smallest thing triggers your pain that you so consciously suppressed. Some of us unfortunately do not come to a place of healing after the loss of a child. So many expect you to be able to move on and “get over it” because that is easier said than done. The pressure of “getting over it” often times digs the hole of grief even deeper. People’s thoughtless words and actions don’t help someone reach healing faster. They stab you ten times over and open the wound up again.
The loss of my son has changed my life forever. I don’t view things the same anymore. The Lord has definitely used this to give me a more compassionate look at the world. There is still so much I don’t understand and find hard to show compassion for. This is the same for people who have never lost a child, a baby, a pregnancy… This is why people say cruel things, or stand awkwardly after you mention your deceased son/daughter. They don’t understand the depth of your loss or the need for you to mention your baby’s name, to let them know he/she existed no matter how short the time.
My goal here is to educate you as best I can and help you to understand what a grieving parent is going through. The pain is like nothing I have felt before. Others say that grieving a child is far worse than grieving a parent or sibling. I, however, don’t particularly like that statement only because death comes to all. Death shows no favoritism. Although I do believe it is different than any other loss I don’t believe it is worse. We all grieve differently and at different paces. Like I stated before not everyone reaches that state of healing. The only way I can express to you how to reach that healing is through Jesus Christ.
The pain I felt when I was told my son wasn’t going to live is indescribable, but I will try. Sitting in the Genetics counselors office after our ultrasound was weird. At this point we still had no idea what was going on. She began to go over the US results and said “your baby has anencephaly” I was like “OK, what is that?” my thoughts were “what does that mean for our family?”, “caring for a child with special needs?” Finally, “Lord, we’re up to the task”. Little did I know what I was saying… “Anencephaly is a severe deformity of the skull/brain. Babies with this do not survive.” My jaw dropped and I immediately started to weep, I said nothing, All I could do was cry. She left us alone. We cried together, we prayed together, and we talked to each other. This was the moment of truth for our marriage. We were either in this together 100% or we weren’t at all. I remember almost immediately after we calmed down enough to have reasoning I said “They’re going to give us the option to terminate and I am not doing it” He very quickly agreed. Shortly after that she came back in…
“I am sorry” she said. “I didn’t realize no one had told you. Usually we don’t tell families this way”. Then that pending statement came. “now, you have the option to terminate…” “No, not an option at all.” You see, although, we were just told our baby had no chance of survival we didn’t even think twice. Either way I would still be loosing a child, but this way I had no room for regrets. With the pain I would feel the months leading up to our sons birth do to the diagnosis and roadblock after roadblock, the feeling of giving up what we were trying to accomplish came up a lot. It seemed as if no one valued our sons life. He was not worth the trouble to find out if organ donation was a possibility or the slightest tinge of hope that the Lord could heal our son. We were labeled as “in Denial” by the doctors caring for us. We were reminded every time that our son wouldn’t live. As if trying to tell us “what is the reason for your hope? Why don’t you just give up.”
When the day of his birth came my heart was at complete peace. I was taking it moment by moment. Soaking it all in. I was experiencing the crazy peace and joy that comes from knowing and trusting Jesus. He was with us. My baby boy came fast that night. I experienced the miracle that he was because of Jesus. See my boy had no heartbeat when he made his big entrance. He was not breathing. At this point medical staff were probably instructed not to resuscitate because of his condition. Normally, a parent experiencing this would most likely be angry at the staff and be demanding them to help their child breathe. Honestly that reaction didn’t cross my mind. I believe the Lord had me so calm and had me in a state of waiting so He could show me. I am glad they did nothing to resuscitate… because otherwise I would not be able to give God the glory for what was about to happen. My son took one deep breath and then another deep breath and continued breathing on his own. The people in that room would not have been touched the way they were if it had transpired another way. God clearly breathed His breath of life into our sons lungs. Little Jesaiah continued breathing for another 18 hours.
The moment he left my arms my heart broke into pieces. I felt so alone, empty, and inconsolable. I was surrounded by people but, I couldn’t shake that feeling. He was gone. He was missing from my life now. I went home empty handed. I didn’t get to sit in the back seat with my newborn to make sure he made it safely home. No, instead my backseat and my heart were empty. After I got home we had family there and if they would not have been there I would have cried my eyes out. We endured this pain together, both our hearts were empty together. Christmas came, THE worst Christmas EVER, and it went. New year came and went. Finally, January 17th. This is the day we held his celebration of life. One month later. This was the first time I allowed myself to receive God’s healing since his birth. My heart was full…
**If you would like to learn more about Jesaiah’s life please read the blog titled “Jesaiah Alexander “.
**If you are experiencing the unbearable feeling of losing a baby (infant/pregnancy) and would like support please message me and I will get you plugged in to a support group. You are not alone.If you want to experience healing in your life let me know I would love to introduce you to my friend Jesus, who takes away all sin and conquered death.
Jesaiah Alexander Story of Hope 